I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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