Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
