My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
