if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
just tell him i said nine months
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
