Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Dear god my vagina.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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