end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
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