I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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