duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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