he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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