I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
