he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
