So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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