i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
