Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
