i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
