my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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