textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I could make wine with my vomit
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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