You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Randomize
