I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
