i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
