anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
