i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
hell yes lets make some ravioli
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
