The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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