We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
How's work?
Spinning.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
