i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
