Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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