I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
