A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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