I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
