My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
