I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
