remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
