PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize
