I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
