We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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