atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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