look no pants
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
