: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
