We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
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