I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
