I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
