I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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