She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
