i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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