You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
