how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
