Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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