i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
