I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Pants are for mortals
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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