i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Randomize
